The Coyote Ugly Catastrophe (Part 1)

     Let me start off by saying, the events of these nights are like blips on a radar screen. But the blips I remember are very vivid. The rest of the nights were filled in by coworkers, family, and my arrest report. 

    It was around the start of 2007. I had been newly married for all 8 months, give or take a week. My new wife had gone "missing" for over 24 hours. We'll call her "Ann". Ann was supposed to be at work, at a huge breakfast restaurant known all over the south. I go in after I get off work, to pick her up. Because at that point I hadn't heard from her since I left for work the night before. I worked in the backstock/stockroom of a Target. So, I would sometimes start my shift the night before and get home in the evening of the following day. Let's say 10-14 hours have passed since I heard anything from her. No one knows where "Ann" is. She never went to work and "if you see her, let her know we'd like to speak to her." When I get home, I shower and lay down on the bed. 

    I fell asleep and woke up about 9 that night. Still no Ann. No text, call....nothing. So I drive over to my parent's place. My mom calms me down, saying that she probably wanted some space. That made sense, given our huge fight about me talking to old female classmates and random chicks on MySpace. I was 100% in the wrong on my end of it. I never slept with or had any physical contact with anyone, but I didn't tell my wife that I even had a MySpace page. So it was an issue. Her issues come later. 

    So, I go back home, but I stop off at the police department around the corner from our apartment. I file a missing persons report, even thought it was barely a day. But after the officer heard the chain of events, including her not showing up for work, they agreed to put the description out there. 

    Fast forward a few hours, I've called family friends, and Ann's mom to help me try and find Ann. Let me Tarantino this by saying, Ann has been with her mom, who drove down from Missouri and who hates me without having ever met me, for most of the day. The other half of the day, she was with an old coworker smoking crack. The MySpace "infidelity" isn't looking so bad now, huh? After several conversations with her mom, I was assured that if she hears from her, she will call. 

    Let me just say, almost 14 years have gone by since all of this happened. But I HATE her mother to this day. I don't dwell on it, but she is an awful human being who made a rocky marriage, unbearable. Because, even before that night, her mother was intrusive and always negative. She didn't even come to our wedding. And gave us an 8$ photo album as...a wedding present. Her "estranged and alcoholic" father, not only came to the wedding and walked Ann down the aisle....but gave us an envelope of cash. I understand someone being hesitant about us getting married after 6 months of dating. But we were walking down the aisle and moving in together. A little attitude adjustment was in order, I think. Maybe I'm wrong. Tarantino-ing the story again: Her mother and her smoked crack together. Thats why it was so easy for Ann to be tempted to smoke crack after pretending to go missing. 

    Because let's jump back to the search. Ann is seeing all the calls and texts, and listening to all the voicemails while she's getting high. Then her phone starts going to voicemail. So either her phone died or she turned it off. After hours of driving all over the county, showing people her photo, in gas stations and any hotel/motel that was open, I went home and went to sleep. 

    I slept until mid-afternoon the next day. I only woke up because I could hear someone banging on my front door. I put on shorts and answered the door. A local police officer stood at my door. And a few steps behind him, I saw my wife and her mom. "Sir, could you step outside? We need to discuss something with you."

Part 2 COMING SOON

I Should Introduce Myself

     Hi there. My name is Charles. You can call me Chaz, Chuck, Charlie, Chucky, Chuckles, Chaztastic, and the list goes on. I'm edging closer to 40, with a wife of 10 years. And a dog of 2 years, that we bought 3 weeks before a life-altering hurricane. That is another story for another time. 

    I'm the guy at a cookout or a friendly get together, who is asked to tell specific stories when the conversation starts to die down. And it's always in front of 3-20 people I only met a few hours before. A "Chaz...tell (Insert New Lifelong Friend's Name Here) about the time you..." kind of lead-in. And depending on the story that is tee'd up, about an hour is spent of me telling a ridiculously true story that could only happen to me.

     As I've gotten old and wiser, the creation of these stories has been relegated to my youth. But the wild young man who sat in the back of a truck, in only his shorts and flip flops in the dead of Missouri winter, while a friend drove through a carwash, still comes out from time to time. I still have chronic bronchitis from that night. 

    I thought of typing these stories out as a bit of therapy for my mind. So bear with me. I may have some serious tales to tell, but I will try to keep them lighthearted as best I can. So, buckle up and thanks for reading.